Living with ADHD: I Love You or I Hate You and There Is No In Between

The Hyperfocus Paradox and the Obsession-Avoidance Cycle

Relationships with ADHD often feel like operating on two extreme settings: hyperfocus and disconnection. In hyperfocus mode, every interaction becomes intensely magnified—a text message can send my heart racing, and a casual coffee date can turn into hours of animated conversation. A new friendship or romantic interest can consume all attention, leading to what feels like an obsessive level of engagement. During these periods, I constantly check my phone, plan the next meetup, or replay conversations in my mind.

The Internal Struggle with Intensity

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of this hyperfocus is my reaction to it. The awareness of being obsessed creates an uncomfortable self-consciousness that triggers an opposing urge to distance myself. It's a peculiar paradox: the more I feel drawn to someone, the more I try to pull away to regain control. However, this attempted distancing often backfires, creating a frustrating cycle where trying to break free from the obsession only intensifies it. The more I try to stop thinking about someone, the more persistent those thoughts become, leading to an exhausting internal tug-of-war between connection and withdrawal.

This push-pull dynamic can be particularly confusing for others, as they might experience me alternating between intense engagement and sudden withdrawal, often without understanding the internal struggle behind these shifts. The shame and frustration of being unable to control these feelings can further complicate relationships, creating additional layers of anxiety and self-doubt.

Managing Emotional Intensity

To navigate these extremes, several strategies have proven helpful:

• Practicing emotional regulation techniques, such as deep breathing and grounding exercises.

• Using cognitive-behavioural strategies to recognize overwhelming hyperfocus (e.g., keeping a mood journal).

• Setting boundaries around communication frequency.

• Maintaining open communication with friends and partners about these patterns.

• Creating designated "relationship check-in" times to ensure balanced attention.

The "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" Challenge

One of the most significant hurdles in maintaining relationships with ADHD is the "out of sight, out of mind" phenomenon. Despite strong emotional bonds, people can seemingly fade from awareness when not regularly present in daily life. This isn't a reflection of caring less—in fact, when reminded of these connections, the rush of affection returns immediately. It's rather a manifestation of how the ADHD brain processes attention and memory.

Practical Solutions for Staying Connected

1. Digital Organization:

   • Setting tiered phone reminders for check-ins (daily for close family, weekly for friends).

   • Utilizing organizational apps (Notion for relationship tracking, Google Calendar for social planning). You can even integrate your Google Calendar into your notion so that you have everything on one software.

   • Creating contact groups in messaging apps for easier group check-ins. (This is an important one for both family and home-town friends as I don’t see them as often).

2. Visual and Environmental Cues:

   • Maintaining a friendship board with photos and notes. (It’s a fun project, trust me, you will enjoy it).

   • Setting up designated spots for social media catch-ups

   • Creating monthly celebration calendars for birthdays and anniversaries. (I forget my own parents’ birthdays, so setting it on a calendar helps for sure).

3. Routine Building:

   • Scheduling recurring virtual coffee dates.

   • Implementing "Friend Friday" check-in traditions.

   • Setting up automated birthday and anniversary reminders.

Building Consistency in an Inconsistent Mind

The challenge of maintaining steady relationships is compounded by ADHD's "all-or-nothing" tendency and the constant pull toward urgent stimuli. This manifests in:

• Irregular communication patterns can confuse others.

• Cycles of intense engagement followed by unintentional distance.

• Feelings of guilt and shame about perceived relationship failures.

• Difficulty in nurturing long-term connections consistently.

Strategies for Maintaining Connections

1. Structure and Routine:

   • Creating weekly social schedules.

   • Setting up regular group activities.

   • Using activity-based meetups (exercise classes, book clubs) to combine socializing with other interests.

2. Communication Tools:

   • Being honest about ADHD-related challenges. (Don’t be afraid to speak up. Communication and expression goes a long way).

   • Developing scripts for explaining communication patterns. (If you’re like me and struggle to put your feelings into words, preparing and thinking/talking about it beforehand might help).

   • Setting realistic expectations with friends and partners. (Understanding that people are busy and that just because they haven’t answered, does not mean that they are ignoring you).

3. Managing the Obsession-Avoidance Cycle:

   • Recognizing when the cycle begins.

   • Understanding that the urge to distance is a reaction to feeling out of control.

   • Accepting that these feelings are a common ADHD experience.

   • Finding middle-ground activities that allow connection without triggering overwhelm.

   • Setting balanced boundaries that don't swing between extremes.

   • Working with a therapist to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

4. Support Systems:

   • Building a network of understanding friends.

   • Joining ADHD support groups to share experiences.

   • Working with a therapist on relationship-specific challenges.

The Role of Technology in Relationship Management

Modern technology can be both a blessing and a challenge for ADHD relationships:

Helpful Tools:

• Relationship management apps.

• Shared digital calendars.

• Automated reminder systems.

• Social media for passive connection maintenance.

Potential Pitfalls:

• Digital overwhelm leads to avoidance.

• The risk of hyperfocus on social media.

• Message notification anxiety.

Breaking Free from the Obsession-Avoidance Loop

Understanding and managing the obsession-avoidance cycle requires a delicate balance:

1. Self-Awareness:

   • Recognizing triggers that intensify obsessive thoughts.

   • Identifying patterns in avoidance behaviour.

   • Understanding how attempts to control feelings often backfire.

2. Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

   • Developing mindfulness practices to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

   • Creating balanced communication schedules.

   • Finding activities that provide natural emotional regulation.

   • Building a support network that understands these challenges.

3. Communication with Others:

   • Explaining the cycle to trusted friends and partners.

   • Setting expectations about communication patterns.

   • Being honest about needs for space or connection.

   • Developing a shared vocabulary for discussing these dynamics.

Finding Balance and Understanding

Successfully maintaining relationships with ADHD requires a delicate balance of:

• Understanding personal patterns and tendencies.

• Implementing practical support systems.

• Being honest about challenges.

• Finding people who understand and accept these dynamics.

• Practicing self-compassion during inevitable lapses.

The obsession-avoidance cycle, while challenging, doesn't have to define our relationships. By understanding its mechanisms and developing appropriate coping strategies, we can work towards more balanced and fulfilling connections. Perfect consistency may remain elusive, but acknowledging these patterns and actively working to manage them can lead to more meaningful and sustainable relationships. Trust me, I have not quite perfected this as I am currently single, but hey, at least I am working on it, and you can too!

Remember: ADHD relationships may look different from neurotypical ones, but they can be equally rich and rewarding when approached with understanding, creativity, and commitment to growth. The key lies not in completely overcoming these challenges but in finding ways to work with them while being transparent with those we care about.